Distinctions

Making Distinctions

Our ability to distinguish this from that is one measure of intelligence. Standardized IQ tests measure one’s ability to know how one thing is different from another and even how the difference between A and B may be like or unlike the difference between B and C. Scoring well on such tests may not be a good indicator of one’s ability to get on in life, but being able to distinguish between things is a necessary skill if one is weeding a garden or preparing a meal.

There are some distinctions that almost everyone can learn—as the difference between a red light and a green one—but there are some distinctions that can be very difficult to master. There are five of them that are critical to being able to creatively resolve conflicts with others. They are particularly difficult when the conflicts are with people that we are close to.

At the outset I want to make it clear that the distinctions are not between what is good and what is bad or between what is right and what is wrong. There is no sense in which one is better than the other. They are only different in ways that may not be easily apparent.

For example, it is important to make a distinction between a conflict and a fight. This is hard because we sometimes use those words as synonyms…as when we talk about an international conflict when what we are referring to is a war. Certainly a war is a kind of fight. For our purposes, though, we want to be able to notice that there is a condition in a relationship that we call a conflict even before we begin to do something about it. A fight is one of the strategies that people use to address conflicts, but the conflict exists before the fight starts and we can choose to not fight even if there is a conflict. A conflict is a condition in a relationship in which one or both parties don’t like the way the other is being. A fight is a way of addressing a conflict in which the goal is to try to make the other lose.

So while we sometimes use the word conflict to mean fight there is a useful distinction that we can make between them. Most people, once the distinction has been made for them, are able to reliably continue to see and make the distinction. But there are some distinctions that are much harder to consistently make. One example is that voiced by the Serenity Prayer that many are familiar with. There are variations, but the one I am familiar with goes:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and The wisdom to know the difference.

Personally, I think it should be referred to as the Wisdom Prayer as the crucial capacity is the ability to know what I can do from what I cannot do. [More about that in a bit.] The point I want to make here is that this is a distinction that is very hard to make. It seems simple, but it certainly isn’t easy. And, as the popularity of the prayer can attest, it is very important to know the difference.

Five Crucial Distinctions

With that as a backdrop, I want now to suggest that there are five distinctions that are critical to being able to resolve conflicts in our relationships, and thus to be able to build healthy relationships. Briefly these distinctions are:

Feelings from behavior: Just because I may be experiencing a particular feeling or set of feelings doesn’t mean that I will behave in any given way. Feelings are not the same as behavior.
What happened from the story that I tell about what happened: How I make meaning about the events in my life is very important. But the meaning I make and the story that I tell about the event is not the same as the event itself. Indeed, others who experienced the same event may find it to mean something very different from what it means to me.
What effect the event had on me from what I think caused the effect: Can I be aware of what is going on within me as different from what I believe is going on around me?
What I need from what I want: I want others to be the way I want them to be. What I need is to have certain qualities in my relationships with others.
What I can do from what I cannot do: When we focus on what we cannot do anything about, we feel powerless and hopeless. When we focus on what we can do, we discover how immensely powerful we really are.