Stages and Styles in Conflict Resolution- Second order to Fourth order

We do not address every conflict in the same way. We have many different parts or perspectives from which to see and respond when conflicts arise in our awareness.

Most of us have a part of us which is easy-going and not easily troubled. That part addresses conflicts by not letting others bother us.

We also have a part which is anxious to get along with others, which tries to please others and to do as they want. This part hopes that if we are pleasing to others, others will respond by trying to please us as well.

And we have a part which is clear about how we want others to be and is willing to be forceful in expressing our wishes and may even insist that others do what we want them to do. These may seem to be developmental stages as they may arise sequentially as we try to address a given situation, but they are all 2° strategies.

Recall that we choose a strategy to create an event which we expect will create the qualities we need. We can assess the level of a strategy by the characteristics of the event we intend to create. Each of these strategies has in common that it creates what we want by getting the other to change. These strategies only work in fairly low intensity conflicts. These three styles are displayed in the chart on the bottom row.

Strategy patterns.pdf

What they all have in common is that the event they are intending to create is one in which the success of the strategy is determined by getting the other to change. We each have these parts because these strategies sometimes work to get us what we need. As long as the intensity of the conflict is fairly low, we have a good chance of creating what we need by one of these approaches. But when the intensity is high, they don't work as well.

Remember that the intensity of a conflict is a function of how attached the parties are to a particular issue, circumstance, or outcome, and the degree to which they see things from a different perspective or point of view. As long as the issue is one I don't care about that much, I can comfortably come from that part of me which is not easily bothered [2° stillness]. If it is something I have a bit more attachment to but we are seeing it from a similar vantage point, I may use the approach of being more conciliatory and placating [2° yin]. If I really care about this and the other is not seeing it my way, I may become more insistent and urgent and even demanding [2° yang]. But if the other is equally attached to the issue and to the other's perspective we are just going to get more and more entrenched in our separate ways of doing and seeing.

While we may see this entrenchment as a problem in the short run, in the long run it actually presents a wonderful opportunity for transformation. This may be an issue which allows us to transform our own way of approaching the problem such that we can move to a 4° [Interpersonal-relational: choice] perspective. At this level we have now abandoned trying to get the other to change and are instead looking simply to transforming the relationship by changing how we act. This may mean that we act in ways which appear very similar to the ways we acted at 2°, but the strategies have a very different quality to them.

We may despair of changing the other and simply remain present to them as they continue to do what they do. This is not abandoning concern for the other, but it is a stance of caring for without taking care of. This is 4° stillness and it is a way of being encouraged by Alanon toward the addict.

We may find that we can be present in the ways the other wants, not because it pleases the other, but because it creates the qualities in the relationship which we desire [4° yin].

Or we may find that we are not fettered by the wishes of the other and are free to show up just as we want to be. This is not the same as not caring what others think. This is being fully aware of what others expect and being able to freely choose a way of being which is creative in the midst of conflicting expectations. [4° yang].