Predicting the unwanted outcome

This technique is designed to help us actually address what we need in our relationships with others when there is a part of us which is very afraid of what will happen. We do this by creating a binary choice--either this or that--in which one of the options is the outcome we are afraid of, and then predict that this is what will happen.

Let us suppose here that there is a part of Jane who is terrified that Mom will respond to her true statement by insisting that Jane always wants it her way. She doesn't really know whether Mom feels that way but she is so afraid she does that she can't raise the issue with her. So what might Jane say that was a prediction of what she is most afraid might happen?

"Mom, I would like to talk to you about some feelings I have about whether my point of view can be respected in our relationship, but I am afraid that if I do you will insist that I often demand that you see things my way."

If Jane were to say this to her mom, her mom might respond, "Yes, you always have to have it your way," or she might say, "No, I don't think you are demanding." If Mom responds the first way, she will be proving Jane right. If she responds the second way, she will be proving Jane wrong. Either way, Jane wins. If the worst happens Jane can say to herself, "Yes, I was right, Mom can't allow in any perspective but her own." If the best happens Jane will learn that she misunderstood her mom and that there is room for her perspective. Either way, it moves Jane toward what she needs.

These two techniques are tools we can use to help us to address what we need in relationships we want to heal when we are having trouble getting ourselves to speak our truth in the context of the relationship. In both cases, though, we may find these tools work too well. We may find that once we present the onion, even though we are only holding the dry outer cover, the other will want to go deeper. We need to have decided before we initiate the conversation just how deep we are willing to go.

If Jane tells her mom that she wants a relationship in which her perspective is accepted, her mom might say, "Of course you do, dear. Have there been times when it felt like I didn't want to hear what was going on with you?" If this happens, Jane has to be ready to decide if she wants to say, "When Jerry spied on me in the shower when I was twelve and I told you about it you insisted that I was wrong." Maybe that will be too threatening. Maybe there are other layers she can address first. But in any case, she will want to be ready to say, "I really do want to talk with you about this mom, but I am just not quite ready yet." It is important that we know how deeply we are ready to go into the onion and be prepared with how we will suspend the conversation if it starts to go past the point we are comfortable with.