Patterns of Conflict

Within our most significant relationships there are many conflicts. As we do the Bothers Me Log we discover the degree to which it is the same conflict over and over, though perhaps in somewhat different forms.

Being assertive means identifying the event to which we are responding, how we are being affected, and what qualities would be better for us when this event happens. This sounds very simple, and indeed it is, but it is not easy. When we can do this we discover how very powerful we are in constructing what we need. But it takes many repetitions to master this. Fortunately we have lots of opportunities to practice.

These problematic events tend to happen over and over again in our most significant relationships. When we can identify the pattern and get very clear about how we would like to address the pattern, then we can practice every time it arises. This requires that we become able to master a set of skills.

Patterns of Conflict worksheet

Fill out one of these worksheets for each of your significant relationships.

Name of the person with whom you have the relationship [Sometimes the person is not known to you or is not the same person each time. For example, one of your patterns may be with the person who cuts you off in traffic or calls you to sell you something at dinnertime.]

______________________

Power dynamics:

List the ways that you have power over the other.

List the ways the other has power over you.

List the common goals that you share with the other. You may identify these by considering the ways you share power with the other, or the agreements or understandings that you have.

Conflict Log:

Keep a log of the times, places, feelings, and anything else that seems relevant about the times that you feel annoyed at the other person or when you become aware that the other is annoyed with you.

Log the responses that you each make to the annoyance. Be specific. What do you each do?