Onions: Addressing a sticky situation

Some conflicts are like onions. If you slice them open they are wet and sticky and they make you cry. So we naturally want to avoid the onions. But if we are committed to healing ourselves in the context of our most significant relationships, we have to find a way to address them.

Jane found she was so surprised by her reaction to Joe coming up behind her in the kitchen that she became strongly committed to doing everything she could to heal all aspects of her life in the wake of the rape. But one of the choices she made which her work in the group helped her to discover was that she did not immediately report the crime. She went home and took a shower and went to bed and it wasn't until the next day that she went to the doctor fearing that she might have contracted a disease. It was her doctor who persuaded her to tell the police and by then much of the evidence had been destroyed.

When Jane looked at what was going on with her that she didn't immediately report the crime she remembered when she went to her mom to complain when her brother was spying on her in the shower. Her mother's response was, "Jerry is a good boy and would never do anything like that."

As Jane considered her relationship with her mother she realized that her mother typically wouldn't allow in any description of the world which didn't already fit what her mom expected. If Jane saw things differently, she was being silly or stubborn or rude. Jane came to see that this was still true and was a big barrier in her relationship with her mom. She wanted to address it but couldn't see any way to bring it up that wouldn't just make things worse.

The problem Jane is having is that she can't conceive of a strategy which will construct an event which will create the qualities she is looking for in her relationship with her mother. But what are those qualities? She would like her mother to be more open to her reality but that would require her mother changing and she is very clear that she can't change her mother. She wants her mother to acknowledge her reality, but she needs a relationship in which her reality is acknowledged. She can be the one to acknowledge her reality but she has to become able to do this in her relationship with her mother.

So the quality she is looking to create in her relationship with her mother is one which affirms as valid her own perceptions even when they are not the same as her mother's. The task then is to design a strategy which will create an event in which these qualities are present.

One important aspect of an onion is that it is layered. The inner part of the onion is wet and sticky and makes us cry, but there is an outer layer which is dry and brittle and allows us to address the onion without getting our hands sticky. Relationships are layered. The outer layers are the parts we can easily talk about. As we go deeper, the risk becomes greater. Jane wants to find that outer layer with her mom.

The process for identifying the outer layer of an onion seems complicated but it is actually just a series of simple steps repeated over and over. It is a recursive loop, like in a computer program, where we do an operation over and over until a certain condition is met. In this case the condition we are looking for is one in which Jane has a statement she can make to her mom which is an expression of her truth which she can feel safe expressing to her.

We start with any expression of Jane's truth. This is especially important in this case as Jane is concerned about her truth not being acknowledged, but no matter what the issue is, it is essential that we speak the truth about it. We do not heal through falsehood. You recall the poem about the blind men and the elephant. There are many correct perspectives. There are many truths. We will not know much less name every correct perspective. But it only takes us away from healing when we say something is true when we know it is not.

So we may wonder with Jane what is true for her when she considers this pattern of conflict in her relationship with her mom.

"I feel like telling her that she is selfish and petty and that she pushes me out of her life."

Okay, that is a true statement. Jane does actually feel that way. But is there any part of Jane which doesn't feel comfortable with that plan? Sure, there is a part that labels talking that way to her mom as disrespectful and rude. So, finding the part that doesn't want to be disrespectful and rude, what is that part's truth?

"I want a relationship in which my mom and I are respectful and courteous to each other."

Yes. And so, as you imagine saying this to your mom, are there any parts which are not comfortable with this plan? Can you find any parts which do not approve of you saying this? "Yes, it feels like this is dodging the issue. She will say, 'Sure, and I want you to be courteous too, dear.' She won't know what this is about." So there is a part which wants her to know what this is about.

Can you find that part and speak its truth? What would that part like to say to your mom?

"Mom, sometimes when we are talking it feels to me like the only perspective there is space for in the conversation is yours. Sometimes I have a point of view which is different from yours and I wish we could acknowledge that we sometimes see things differently."

Yes, and so, as you imagine saying this to your mom, are there any parts which are not comfortable with this plan?

We continue this process over and over until we have a plan for what Jane wants to say, which is true, and which all of the parts of her are comfortable with. When we have that we then check to see if this is really a plan we want to try by asking one more question.

"Imagine yourself saying this to your mom and imagine what her response is likely to be. There may be several options for how she might respond. Just see what all the options are and see if you are comfortable with how she might respond."

In Summary: Addressing an Onion

1) Find the outer layer

a) Bring to mind a true statement in the language of complaint

b) Imagine what it would feel like to voice that true statement

c) Find any parts which are not comfortable with voicing that true statement

d) Identify that part's truth and go to 1)b)

2) When you come to a true statement which all of the parts are comfortable with voicing, imagine how the other is likely to respond and see if there are any parts which not be comfortable with that response. If so, go to 1)d)

3) When all of the parts are comfortable, speak that truth

4) Suspend the conversation if it starts to go too deep

When you get to this point you may find that no matter how clearly or well you state your own truth, there are still parts of you that are so afraid of the outcome that you don't think you can address this issue. In these cases we want to try to predict the unwanted outcome.