Maps of Needs: personal, relational, and systemic

To help us more easily and readily identify what we need, we look at three different templates for seeing what qualities are optimal for our wellbeing. What conditions best support health and wholeness?

You may recall in your junior year of high school in biology class looking through a microscope at a slide of some object in the natural world. There were several things you could adjust to see the slide better. You may have had a light. You certainly had a focus knob to adjust the length of the focusing tube. And there may have been a lens head just above the slide which you could turn to select the final lens to adjust the magnification power of the microscope.

As you selected the power of the lens by turning the head you could see the object on the slide at differing resolutions. If you haven't used a microscope you can get a similar effect by going to an online mapping program and looking at the same place up close or at a distance. It is the same place, or the same slide, but the way it looks may be very different depending on the lens through which you are looking. How we see it depends on the perspective even when the thing itself doesn't change.

So we are going to look at the conflicts which arise for us from three different perspectives to see what they can teach us about what we need. These are not the only three perspectives. There are a theoretically infinite number of lens through which we can look. I offer these three only as a guide to what we can become able to see when we look.

These three are ways of looking at what creates the quality of health in our relationship between self and other, what creates the quality of trust in a relationship with another, and what creates the quality of justice in a community.

Personal

With the microscope set on the highest power we are looking at the relationship between what we perceive to be "self" and what we see as "not-self." We each have developed a "separate self sense" by which be perceive ourselves to be separate from the world around us. But where are the boundaries to self?

I have a cup of coffee on my desk. The coffee is not me. I take a sip. Now it is. In a bit I will walk down the hall to the little room and then the coffee will not be me anymore.

I breathe in air and with it oxygen. The oxygen passes through the semi-permeable membrane in my lungs and bonds with the hemoglobin which then carries it to my cells where it is traded for carbon dioxide. The hemoglobin returns to my lungs where it trades the carbon dioxide for another oxygen molecule. I breathe in and I breathe out.

We imagine ourselves to be far more separate from the world around us than we actually are. We have a boundary between self and not-self which is a sort of semi-permeable membrane.

In order to maintain health I need to be careful about what I let in through this membrane and what I let out. I must be careful that I don't expose myself to carbon monoxide as it bonds with the hemoglobin but the cells can't use it. I must be careful that I don't get diarrhea because I might get dehydrated. There are things I want to let in and things I want to keep out. There are things I want to let out and things I want to keep in. This is true physically and it is true emotionally.

Sometimes get what we need and sometimes we don't. There are four options here.

• Let in what nurtures: We can be getting what is nurturing and supportive for us and thus feel satisfied, or we can fail to get what is nurturing and supportive for us and thus feel hurt.
• Keep out what is toxic: We can be protected from that which is toxic to us and thus feel safe, or we can be exposed to that which is toxic to us and thus feel hurt.
• Let out self expression: We can be expressing what is true and vital for us and thus feel satisfied, or we can be stifled from expressing what is true and vital for us and thus feel hurt.
• Keep in what is precious: We can protect that which is precious to us from being taken or defiled and thus feel safe, or we can fail to protect that which is precious to us from being taken or defiled and thus feel hurt.

So we are either safe and satisfied or we are hurt as a consequence of how well we construct our relationships with others. When we do well at establishing and maintaining boundaries, we get safety and satisfaction. When we don't do well, we get hurt.

I am not saying that if you get hurt it is your own fault. I am saying that if you want to be responsible for your own welfare, you notice when you are hurt and seek to adjust your boundaries.

Now, this business of setting boundaries can be a source of great confusion. I have often heard clients of mine declare that they are going to "set a boundary" with some important person in their life. By this they mean that they are going to make clear to the other what the other may or may not do. This is not what I am talking about. Setting my boundaries differently is about defining what I will or will not do, not what I will allow or disallow from others.

Joe is roused from a deep sleep by the ringing of the telephone. He struggles to focus on the digital clock on his bed stand as he gropes for the phone. It is just after 2:00 AM.

"Huh?" he grunts into the phone.

"Joe, buddy, is that you? Hey, this is Jake. I know it is the middle of the night but I didn't know who to call. I am just getting back into town from a business trip and my car just broke down. I am about fifteen minutes from you and need a lift. Could you come and get me?"

Jake was Joe's closest friend in college. They haven't seen much of each other since Joe and Jane married and Joe feels a little guilty about that. He resents being awakened but there have been lots of times when he and Jake were out partying well past 2:00 and Jake is single. He doesn't really know how much his call is disrupting things for Joe.

"Ungh, sure Jake I can help you out. Where are you?"

Joe doesn't like being awakened but he sees this as chance to reconnect to Jake and he likes being someone that others can count on. This is his chance to be a best friend to Jake.

A couple of weeks later Joe again gets a late night call from Jake. "Hey buddy; you won't believe what just happened. My car quit on me again. Can you help me out?" Joe again gets up and goes to help his friend but he notices that he is less sure he is doing the right thing. He is not sure he is being who he wants to be.

A week later Joe gets another late night call. This time he cuts Jake off in the middle of his explanation about what is wrong saying, "Fix your damn car," and rolls over and goes back to sleep.

Joe has adjusted his own boundaries in relation to Jake. He is not expecting Jake to change. He is just changing who he is willing to be with Jake.

We gather data from our emotional and physical systems and notice whether we are getting what we need. When we are, we relax into whatever is transpiring. When we are not, we flinch and seek to pull away from whatever is hurting us.

We have already noted that it is important that we construct what we need and we resist because we don't want to be selfish. But there is another aspect of how we construct our awareness of ourselves which effects how we construct our relationships with others and the boundaries we construct with them.

Who "I" am is whatever I identify with. What I identify with can change depending on the context. So in the interplay between self and other, who is self and who is other can shift.

When I was a child I fought with my brother. I know you are shocked that I would have done it, but, there it is. I wanted to kill him. Our mother, being the compassionate woman she is would say to us, "If you are going to fight, don't do it in the house. Go out in the back yard." So we would fight in the back yard. In this relationship with my brother I was my physical self and he was the hated other.

Except that sometimes, Blair, the kid who lived two doors down, would come up to play and would get into a fight with my brother. Well, nobody messes with my brother. So in this instance my brother and I were "self" and Blair was the alien other.

Except that Blair and I were on the same baseball team and so he and I and the rest of the team were "self" against the other teams in the league who were all other.

Except that we weren't the best team in the league so when the winner of our division went to State, who do you suppose we rooted for?

Who I constructed as the "self" whose needs I was dedicated to meeting and who I constructed as "other" with whom I was trying to construct a safe and satisfying relationship changed as the context changed. Sometimes this shift can come very quickly.

When Jesse started playing soccer Joe got really excited about what a natural he seemed to be. Joe played in high school and college and Jesse's participation on a "select" team brought out Joe's pride and he was greatly enjoying the vicarious pleasure of watching his son on the field. Jesse played right wing, the same position as Joe played in college and Joe could really see himself in his son.

Mid-way in the second half of a game against the best team in the league with the score at 1-1, Jesse got a long pass and was just barely on-side. He took it at full stride and raced down the field.

Joe was on his feet yelling, "Yes, go, go!"

But as Jesse sped down the field, far ahead of the defender who had been covering him, with no one between him and the goal but the goalie, with each step the shoelace on his left boot got longer and longer. As he did a little stutter-step to fake out the goalie, he stepped on his own shoelace and landed face first as the ball dribbled into the goalie's hands.

Joe's glee turned to fury. "Stupid kid, can't tie your own shoes!"

Joe was Jesse on the field heading to a big moment of triumph and glory. They were one. But when Jesse stepped on his own shoelace, it was for Joe as though he had just been tripped. Joe was furious his son had just stolen the goal from him. Joe went from being Jesse to being the one Jesse tripped. Who "I" am in my relationships with others can change and can do so in an instant.

Relational

Now let's adjust the head on the microscope to see a bit broader field. Instead of just looking at "I" let's look at "we." We construct relationships with others all the time. We can sit down on a bus and have a relationship with those around us. What is involved in constructing a relationship, especially in relationships in which we are able to construct what we need?

There are three aspects of every relationship which we focus our microscope on particularly: What do we know about each other? Do we have respect for each other? Are we willing to act on each other's behalf?

Known

Having a relationship with another involves both knowing and being known by them. Even if we are only talking about the relationship we construct with an other on the bus, we know what they are reading, where they got on or off, and, if we are sitting close, even what they smell like.

It is fairly easy, in a new relationship, to find things to talk about because there is so little we know about each other. Over time we may find ourselves having less to talk about because we have already said what we want to say, or we may have things we don't want the other to know about us. We may discover that we are afraid of being better known for fear of being rejected or betrayed.

Ideally we find that we can be both deeply known and fully accepted for who we are. But these are both hard to manage. It turns out that deeply intimate relationships are hard to create and maintain.

As we let others know us there are a series of problems which can develop. One is that we find that we don't know ourselves well enough to tell the other who we are. As the relationship grows deeper we are invited to share more deeply. We may come to the limits of what we know about ourselves.

We may also find the other having a sense of who we are that doesn't match who we believe ourselves to be. There are at least a couple of reasons this can happen. One is that we don't know aspects of ourselves which the other becomes able to see and name. Another is that the other may be projecting on to us who they want us to be or who they are afraid we are. What they see in us is not some aspect of ourselves, but something they are working out by projecting onto us. In the first instance, when they know something true which we don't see, it is in our interest to open ourselves to their insight. In the second instance, when they are projecting something which is not really about us but actually about something which is going on with them, we want to protect our own self image.

But when we have a relationship with someone who deeply knows us and with whom we feel free to let ourselves be known, we find that letting them know us actually helps us know ourselves. The relationship becomes a mirror by which we may more clearly see ourselves.

Respected

A second aspect of a healthy relationship is that it is one in which we respect each other. Now respect is one of those words we use in different ways so I want to be clear about how I mean it. Respect can mean obey as in when a father says sternly to his son, "You better respect me." Respect can also be a synonym for admiration. But admiration has to do with how we feel about what another is able to do. If we really like what someone does or is able to do we may say we admire or respect them, but I am talking here about something a little different.

What I mean by respect is the quality in a relationship when we acknowledge each other's worth. I respect someone whom I see as having value. The test is whether we can respect someone even if we don't admire what they are doing. Can I respect my son even when he is not obeying me?

In a healthy relationship we know that we each value the other no matter what they do. We still know the other to be precious and we know they honor our value as well.

Cared for

A third quality of a healthy relationship is that it is one in which we care for each other. Now, caring for someone is not the same as taking care of them. They can easily go together, but it is possible for someone to have the job of taking care of another when they don't actually care for them.

Caring for someone is a quality which arises when we decide to pay attention to how our choices are affecting the other and we want what is best for them. This is not the same as doing whatever they want. We can easily care for someone and still not do what they want us to do. Even when we are not as they want us to be, we still notice how what we are doing affects them.

Knowing is a cognitive function. It has to do with how we think. Respect is an affective function. It is of the realm of our emotions. Caring for is a conative function. It has to do with our will and thus the way we make choices.

When Jack was three and made an object out of Legos and went to show his dad, and when Joe was sitting in the living room reading the newspaper and Jack wanted his attention, and when Joe told him to leave him alone and to go to his room for fifteen minutes; Jack saw that his dad didn't want to know what he was building, didn't value him, and wasn't going to act to care for him. If this were the usual way that Joe treated his son, Jack would not come to trust his dad.

Systemic

And finally let's adjust the head on the microscope for the broadest possible view taking in the whole system of which we are a part. This may be the whole family, the neighborhood, a church or other organization, or the city, region or nation, or the globe or the cosmos. Any system is made up of many parts and there are certain qualities the system must have if each of the parts and the collected whole is to function optimally.

Communication (Awareness)

First of all, the parts of the system have to know what is going on with the other parts. There has to be some mechanism by which the system creates shared awareness or consciousness.

As a body is a system made up of many organs, the nervous system links them all into an organism in which self-consciousness arises. Families have calendars on bulletin boards or online to help them keep track of when the games and the doctor's appointments are. Cities have newspapers and radio stations and have elections to discover the will of the people. The State of the Nation is presented by the President and the welfare of the globe is monitored by seismologists and climatologists. Every healthy system has a way of monitoring its own level of functioning.

Competence

As we come to know what is going on in the system, we have to have the competence to respond to the needs of the system. We have to gather or create the necessary resources and then distribute them in the best possible way.

If I am hungry I need to identify edible roots and berries or else find a grocery store and have some money to buy food. If we have too much traffic trying to get across the river we need to build a new bridge. We have to identify the funds, the steel, the concrete, the laborers and engineers to build the bridge, and make and follow the plans.

Conflict Resolution

But we always find some ways in which there are not enough resources. We may have the workers to build the bridge, but not enough money. Or maybe we know where the money will come from but we can't agree on where to build the bridge. There will always not be enough so we will have to resolve the conflicts over scarce resources.

After the game in which Jesse missed the goal, Joe sat with him as he changed out of his soccer shoes. As Jesse pulled on his everyday sneakers Joe noticed that they were falling apart. Joe was aware that Jesse needed new shoes.

Joe checked the time and thought there would be enough before they had to be home to start dinner that they could swing by the shoe store to see if there was a pair on sale that Jesse would like. Joe knew where the store was, had his wallet with the credit card and was able to drive the car. He marshaled all of these competencies to the service of new shoes for Jesse.

When they got to the store they found a wall of shoes arrayed before them. Joe started looking for the ones with the red tags that indicated they were on sale. But Jesse saw the pair that was the signature brand of his favorite basketball player. Joe looked at the price tag and almost choked. If they bought those shoes, Joe wasn't sure how they were going to make the mortgage. But Jesse really wanted those shoes and Joe felt bad for him for the missed soccer goal and the way he had yelled at him.

When Joe heard the message communicated from Jesse's shoes about what Jesse needed, and responded to that awareness by managing time, money and space to get to the store, and when confronted with the difference between the shoes Jesse wanted and the ones Joe was willing to buy such that the needs of the whole system were best attended to; Joe was creating justice.

This is not the justice we create with the criminal justice system. That justice is about creating consequences for people who choose to do things which harm the welfare of others or of themselves. It is about identifying and punishing the bad guys. This justice we are talking about here is not a reaction to what is harmful, but a creative action to construct the qualities which allow for healing and wholeness.