Language of Complaint: concerns, criticism, contempt, and control

Critical feedback can come in different forms. When we give feedback we can be offering a concern, criticism, contempt, or control. When we receive feedback we can hear is as an expression of domination, contempt, criticism of our choices, or a comment on the quality of our relationship.

Concerns are statements that focus on the qualities which are arising in the relationship which we don't like or find harmful. "When you promise to take out the trash and then don't do so, it makes it hard for me to trust you and I don't feel supported in caring for this household."

Criticisms are statements that focus on the choices the other is making which we don't like. "When you don't take out the trash as you said you would you are being immature, selfish, and lazy."

Contempt shows up when our statements are focused on who the other is, on the nature of their being. "You are a selfish, lazy bum who won't even take out the trash."

Control may come through what we say to others which indicates that we believe we have the right to control their actions but it may also be expressed through our physical reactions to them through pushing, pulling, or even striking them. Our focus is on what the other must do to meet our demands. "Take this out now," we growl, as we thrust the trash into the other's face.

It is most helpful when others offer us critical feedback in the form of concerns which focus on the qualities in the relationship while letting us know specifically what we are doing they don't like, but sometimes their anger gets the best of them. When it does, we may hear them speaking to us with contempt or attempting to control us. Rather than reacting and entering into a fight, we are more likely to construct what we need if we can translate the feedback into a concern before we respond. I suspect practice in this area is something from which we can all benefit.[1]

[1] These distinctions are derived from the work of Dr. John Gottman. I have taken his work as a starting place and expanded and refined it for the purposes of Creative Conflict Resolution.