Kinds of Relationships: mutual, reciprocal, fiduciary

One way to balance rights and responsibilities in the relationship is to have everyone have the same ones. We all get the same rights. We all get the same responsibilities. We call this a mutual relationship. Another way to balance rights and responsibilities is to give one party the right to act because it has responsibility for the welfare of the other. We call this a fiduciary relationship. But the most common and durable way to build relationships is to construct an understanding by which we decide which rights are balanced by which responsibilities. We call this a reciprocal relationship.

Fiduciary Relationships

Fiduciary relationships are ones in which one party has rights over the other or the other's affairs specifically because of responsibilities for the welfare of the other. We often think of fiduciary relationships as being like the one that a trust officer in a bank has toward the person or group who has entrusted their funds to the bank. The term fiduciary is most often applied in matters of money, but the concept of a fiduciary is much broader and comes from the recognition that, from time to time, one person may be entrusted with the welfare of another. When this is the case, that person, the fiduciary, has the right to act on the other's behalf.

Not everyone has the right to flag down drivers and force them to pull off the road. Police officers have that right because they have a responsibility to maintain public safety. If someone is driving in violation of the law or in ways that endanger others, we want to have someone who can and will address the risk. For that reason we entrust police officers with special powers, special rights.

Not everyone has a right to teach school. Teachers are trained and certified and evaluated to be sure that they are acting in a manner that promotes education, safety, and social development in the classroom. They have rights with regard to our children because they have responsibilities for our children's welfare.

Judges, pastors, doctors, city council members, custodians, computer network administrators all have special rights that others don't have specifically because they have responsibilities for the common good. Perhaps the largest group of fiduciaries is parents. Parents have the right to make decisions about what their children will or will not do because they have responsibility for the children's welfare. I have the right to tell my child to go to bed because I have responsibility for her wellbeing and I know she needs her sleep.

Whenever a fiduciary uses rights in a manner that is not consistent with the welfare of the ones for whom they are responsible, they are committing an abuse. This question of abuse--how we define it and how we respond to it--is a theme of the next chapter. We just want to note at this point that abuses of fiduciary responsibilities are very common and very harmful to healthy relationships. Some of this abuse arises out of confusion about the rights and responsibilities we give to others on our behalf. We may be expecting others to look out for us when they have no sense that they have a responsibility to do so.

Jane is waiting at a stop light and there is a long line in front of her and behind her. The light changes and the first person in line turns but the second person just sits there. The driver is fumbling with something in the seat next to him and Jane notices that he is on his cell phone. As horns begin to honk, he looks up and guns it through the intersection just as the light changes. Jane is furious. She believes we have a responsibility to look out for others and to pay attention to how our driving behavior impacts others. She believes that when we are driving, our driving should be our first priority. She thinks this guy should only have a right to drive if he is going to do so responsibly. She feels abused by him.

Henry gets a job in a small manufacturing plant. All the workers there know the economy is slow and that the plant is having trouble getting orders. They value their jobs and their relationships with others and so they are all committed to making sure the operation is successful. When they get notice the factory is closing in a month and the owners are moving the equipment to a new location in Honduras, they are furious. They thought the management had a responsibility to look out for their jobs.

Joe knows Jane has been stressed about work lately so he plans a nice dinner for tonight. Joe has it mostly ready by the time Jane is expected home. He waits and waits and finally she calls to say she stopped at the mall on the way home and got distracted. She will be home in fifteen minutes. Joe knows she has a right to spend her time the way she wants, but he thought she would be responsible to tell him if she wasn't coming right home. When she gets home and learns about his preparations she is upset with Joe. Jane thinks if Joe is going to plan something special for the two of them he should inform her about it. They are both clear that the other has rights to do as they have each done, but they assumed a fiduciary relationship in which the other would exercise those rights in a manner that would more fully consider their own needs.

Reciprocal Relationships

A reciprocal relationship is one in which each party bears a responsibility for the welfare of the other and, thus, each has certain rights. The stability of the relationship comes from the extent to which those rights and responsibilities are balanced. In some sense this can be seen as a set of fiduciary relationships in which each person has rights because of responsibilities to the other.

Henry hears that they are hiring over at Universal Widget. He has some experience working in a factory and he needs the money. He talks to Frank, the plant manager about the job and they agree that Henry will start Monday. They have formed an agreement that constructs a reciprocal relationship.

Henry will work eight hours a day with a 15 minute break in the morning and another one in the afternoon. He gets a half hour for lunch, paid sick leave after three months, and vacation after a year. His quota is 100 widgets a day. He is to tell Frank if there is anything wrong with the widget machine and to call if he is going to be late. He will be paid $10 an hour.

Frank has a right to know if the widget machine is acting up. Henry has a responsibility to tell him if there is anything wrong with the widget machine. Frank has the right to know because he has a responsibility to support the welfare of the company which gives Henry his paycheck.

Henry has a right to a paycheck. Frank has a responsibility to pay him. Henry has a right to a paycheck because he is responsible for creating the product that keeps the company financially solvent.

Frank has a right to know how many widgets Henry has made in a given day. Henry has a responsibility to tell him. Frank has a right to know because he is responsible for maintaining sufficient output such that the company can continue to employ Henry.

Their relationship is constructed out of a set of understandings that balance rights and responsibilities. If Henry starts showing up late, Frank is going to feel taken advantage of. Henry is not keeping to the agreement. If Henry starts making more than 100 widgets a day, he is going to start thinking about getting a raise. He is being more responsible so he should get more rights. Their capacity to maintain a healthy relationship depends on their ability to clarify and adjust the agreement so that they maintain the balance of rights and responsibilities. If they are unable to do so Henry will get fired or he will quit. The relationship will collapse.

There is often a hierarchy in reciprocal relationships. In this case Frank is the boss and Henry the employee. Frank has a kind of authority which comes from his rank as the boss. Henry may have a sense that Frank has all of the power but Frank knows better. He knows that if his workers don't show up he is going to have to answer to the owner. Frank has rights Henry doesn't have, but he also has responsibilities Henry may not even know about.

Mutual Relationships

As we are all humans we all have human rights and, thus, we have the same rights. We all have the same rights and responsibilities. But beyond that, we sometimes consciously construct relationships around a set of rules or understandings that spell out the ways that we each have the same rights and responsibilities.

Take the players on a baseball team. All of them have the same rights and responsibilities. Each has a right to a turn at bat. Each has a responsibility to field the ball. They may decide to play different positions with different expectations about what each position's responsibilities are, but the players can switch positions. When, in the fifth inning, the pitcher's arm begins to fade, he can go to right field and the right fielder can come in to pitch. Each player has fundamentally the same rights and responsibilities.

They may select one member of the team to be the captain. The captain has special rights and responsibilities but they are temporary and limited and if the team doesn't like the way the captain fulfills his role, they can vote him out and select a different captain.

The coach on the other hand is in a reciprocal relationship with the players on the team. The coach doesn't have the right to be on the field when the ball is in play, but does get to decide the batting order. The coach has a mutual relationship with the coach of the opposing team but has a fiduciary relationship with the umpire; that is, the ump creates the game[1].

Strengths and Weaknesses of Each

While all relationships are in some sense mutual, there are many relationships that wouldn't exist if they were not constructed by the formation of a reciprocal relationship. Frank and Henry might have a mutual relationship as they stand around the coffee pot during the morning break talking about the game last night, but at some point Frank looks at his watch and Henry knows it is time to get back out on the floor. They have a mutual relationship as sports fans but their primary relationship is as boss and worker.

Most work relationships are constructed as reciprocal relationships. Some are partnerships (and thus more mutual), but mostly we construct work relationships as reciprocal relationships because they tend to be stable and efficient. As long as everyone knows what they are to do and is able and willing to do it, the job gets done. As the job changes, the system changes, but the people keep doing what they do. The military is a particularly good example of a structure in which stability and efficiency are created though clear understandings. When a decision is to be made, we know whose job it is to make it. A decision is made, we live with it, and move on.

Decision-making in mutual relationships, on the other hand, is much harder. Everyone has to make the decision together. When everyone on the baseball team knows what to do with the ground ball and a man on first and they make the double play it feels really good. But they have to have rehearsed that play many times to be sure that everyone knows where to go and where to throw. When something comes up which they have never had to deal with before, it might take quite a while for them to come to a clear course of action. So decision-making in mutual relationships is much more difficult.

Intimacy is much easier and deeper in mutual relationships than in authority ones. We are friends with our peers. When a buddy at work is promoted to foreman, we no longer go out drinking together after work. In reciprocal relationships intimacy is actually damaging to the stability of the operation. While dating may be discouraged among peers in a work environment, dating someone who reports to you can get you a sexual harassment suit and job termination. In the military it is called "fraternization." It is harmful to morale and is not tolerated.

Even if it isn't against the rules, we naturally choose to be closest to those who are our equals. Being able to be emotionally open depends on a level of trust that is much easier to create and sustain in mutual relationships.

[1] A cub reporter gets an assignment to cover what turns out to be a really dull baseball game. Desperate he looks around the club house and spots the three umpires standing over against the wall. Hoping for a story he goes up to the first one and asks, "How do you call ball and strikes?"

"I call 'em as I see 'em."

"Oh," he says and shrugs and goes to the second one and asks, "How do you call balls and strikes?

"I call 'em as they are."

"Uh huh", he mutters and turns to the third umpire, "And you sir, how do you call balls and strikes?"

"Sonny, until I call 'em, they ain't nothing."

The first umpire is allowing his understanding of the game to be shaped by the rules as he understands them. He looks at the rules and at the play and tries to associate them as he sees them. He knows there may be other interpretations but he is centered in the game. He is functioning at 3°.

The second umpire is not allowing for any other interpretation of reality. What he sees is the only reality there is, or could be. He is more ego-centric than the first ump. He is functioning at 2°.

The third umpire is not only saying that there is no other interpretation, or that there is no other reality, he is saying that reality itself is constructed by his experience. He is something beyond ego-centric. He is purely at 1°.