Curious without asking questions

A question is a kind of statement which calls for the punctuation of a question mark at the end of a sentence. It is a brief statement of what we want to know. It leaves out some information for the purposes of brevity so that we can simplify our conversation. So we say, "Will you pass the salt, please?" rather than saying, "I would like to have the salt but can't reach it and I am wondering if you would be so kind as to pass it to me."

It most circumstances we don't need the detail of the longer statement to know what someone means and we appreciate the brevity. But when we are addressing a conflict the brevity may leave out some very helpful information and may add layers of conflict to an already complex situation.

Joe and Jane decided to let Jack stay at a friend's house to watch the end of a championship game even though it was a school night. Jack is normally expected to be in bed by 10:00 but the game wasn't going to end until 10:00 if it didn't go into overtime. They set the curfew at 11:00.

Jane went to bed but Joe stayed up waiting for Jack's safe return. 11:00 came and went and Joe started to pace. When Jack came it the door at 11:15, the first thing out of his mouth was, "What time is it?"

Joe really didn't need to know what time it was. He was very aware of the time. He may have wondered whether Jack knew what time it was. Or he may have wondered if Jack cared enough to keep the curfew. He may have only been expressing his relief that Jack was okay.

For Jack's part, if he just answers the question, he is only going to make the problem worse. He is invited to give a reason for being late, but this won't be an answer to the question so he will be seen as disrespectful. This isn't going to move them toward resolution.

While there are no specific behaviors that are always helpful, there are some that are always a problem and will tend to hinder resolution of the conflict. In particular:

• Don't ask questions you already know the answer to. These are clearly a way to make the other person lose. Either they know the answer you are looking for and give it, proving you right. Or they don't know the answer you are looking for and thus prove themselves wrong.
• Don't ask questions you know the other person can't answer. These are also a way to make the other lose but they are often not actually questions at all but statements of what we believe to be true. If we ask someone, "What makes you so stupid?" we aren't actually looking for an answer. We are making a statement of contempt toward the other.
• But most especially, don't ask why. Anyone who has ever had a three year old in the house who has discovered the power of why knows how irritating this can be. The answer to why is always because... and that is not an answer. Why makes us defensive. The question assumes there is something amiss. If someone were to walk into the room where you are reading at the moment and ask, "Why are you sitting in that chair?" how would you feel? When we ask why, we don't come across as curious, but as critical. If instead someone walked in and said, "I am worried that you are not getting good light where you are sitting and suggest you might see better if you moved to a chair closer to the window," you would have a very different response.

For these reasons I strongly encourage you to notice when you begin to ask questions and to avoid them whenever there is some tension in the relationship. Instead, focus on what is going on with you and seek to illuminate for the other how you are feeling and what you need.

When Jack finally walked in at 11:15 Joe said to him, "Jack, I have been really worried about you. I don't know for sure when the game ended but I believe you had plenty of time to get home and so when you are late it doesn't encourage me to trust you with an extended curfew in the future. I would like to know what happened that kept you from being home on time."

To this Jack can respond easily. He either knows what happened or he is invited to figure it out. It creates a quality of curiosity in the relationship rather than one of suspicion and attack. Being able to do this takes practice.

The other side of this observation is that most of the people you have conflicts with will not have read this book. They will continue to ask you questions when they are stressed and you will continue to get defensive. So let me offer some suggestions about how to respond when you are being questioned in ways that raise your hackles.

You do not have to answer the questions that others ask you. When we are afraid that a situation is going to escalate, we often try to please others. If they ask us questions, we try to answer them. But when the questions are ones we can't answer or ones they already know the answer to then our attempts to answer them will only fuel the fire. If we can notice either our own defensiveness or the format of the question being asked and realize that we don't yet know enough about the other's curiosity, we can get curious about their curiosity.

Jesus is depicted in the Gospels as doing this often and with great skill. When asked a trick question, he would respond with curiosity about the question. One of the best examples of this was when he was asked about paying the tax to Caesar. Since Caesar claimed to be a god, paying tax to him was worshipping a false god, it was idolatry. But not paying the tax was a crime and telling others not to pay the tax was treason. So Jesus asked to see the coin by which the tax was paid. On it was the image of Caesar. He simply stated, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." At one level this seems like a clever way to dodge the question, but it actually goes to the heart of the issue. While his questioners may have been trying to trap him, his response illuminated the real issue at stake.

Similarly when we are being questioned by others and we sense a trap or that the questions aren't really the issue at hand, we can respond with curiosity about the question.

Jack knew he was late but he didn't expect his folks to wait up for him. He figured if his dad was up it was to watch the game so he would know that it went into double overtime. He was caught off guard when he walked in and was immediately confronted with, "What time is it?"

Jack started to answer and then paused. He could tell his dad was angry and he was aware that this seemed like a big deal about 15 minutes. So he knew he didn't know what the emotion was about. So instead of telling his dad about the time or trying to explain why he was late, he said, "Dad, I can see that you are pretty upset and I am wondering what you need to know from me to help you get what you need."

Okay, okay, no teenager is actually going to say something like that. Heck, most adults don't have the maturity and presence of mind to respond that way. But what would it be like if we did?