Conflict Aspects: resource, identity, process

If we are to become confident in our ability to address and resolve whatever conflicts arise for us, we have to discern the complexity of the conflicts themselves. Sometimes a conflict seems deceptively simple and yet proves devilishly difficult to resolve.

On a Sunday afternoon in late autumn Joe is in the living room watching the game as Jane comes in to speak to him.

"Your dirty clothes are still on the bedroom floor."

"Oh yeah, I'll get them."

Jane stands there waiting as Joe's attention returns to the screen. "When?"

"Huh? Oh, I'll get them at the half."

"Which half? This is the second game you've seen today and you promised me yesterday you would take care of this."

"Yeah, yeah, I said I will get to it. Sheesh!"

At one level this is a simple matter of dirty clothes being on the bedroom floor instead of in the dirty clothes hamper or the washing machine. At the most basic level all conflicts are about resources. Resources are finite and, thus, to some degree scarce. There is not enough time, or money, or attention, or respect to go around. We want more.

At the most obvious level then this conflict between Jane and Joe is about where the clothes are. As long as Jane wants them dealt with and Joe hasn't addressed them, she is losing. She can only win by getting him to do what he promised to do...or was his promise actually just compliance with her demand?

If that were all that was going on here this would be much ado about very little. If this is such a problem for Jane, she can just pick the clothes up and put them where she wants them. It is much easier for her to pick up the clothes than it is for her to get Joe to do it.

But, this is about much more than just where the clothes are. This is about who Joe and Jane are to each other. This is not just a conflict about resources; it is a conflict about identity. What is the nature of their relationship and how do they see each other?

Jane doesn't want to be Joe's maid. If she does what he promised to do and what she believes she has a right to expect him to do in the relationship--if she picks up after him--she is creating a relationship which is not as she wants it to be. She is complicit in constructing qualities which are contrary to her needs.

Joe works hard all week and is an avid football fan. He looks forward to Sundays in the fall as his time to enjoy a game he loves and it gives him content for his conversation with the other guys on his crew. If he misses the game he is left out of the conversation. He knows that Jane knows it and it feels really inconsiderate of her to insist that picking up clothes is something which has to be done right now. If he leaves the game and misses a big play just so she will shut up, he will feel like a wimp.

The resource basis of this conflict is actually not very important. Whether the clothes remain on the floor for another couple of hours won't determine the fate of the world. The heat comes from what it means to each of them about who they each are in the relationship and even the nature of the relationship itself. This is the identity basis of the conflict.

But there is a third level. Jane has spoken to Joe about her expectation that he pick up after himself and he has indicated that he is someone who is responsible for his own mess. Jane initiated a process for addressing her part of this issue and thought they had come to an agreement and now Joe is not keeping that agreement. There is something that isn't working in the process. This is the process basis of the conflict.

All conflicts have a resource basis, an identity basis, and a process basis. To resolve the conflict, all three must be addressed and resolved.

In the ongoing conflicts between the Israelis and the Palestinians there are huge resource concerns. Who owns which land? What rights do Palestinians have to return to their property? Who gets citizenship? Who controls Jerusalem? The fight over rights and property is hugely important.

But there is also an identity basis for the conflict. How are Israelis seen by Palestinians and vice versa? Does Israel have a right to exist? Is the ghettoization of the West Bank and Gaza justified by the Holocaust?

And perhaps the most difficult of all is the question of the process basis of the conflict. How did the current circumstances come to pass and by what authority can a resolution be fashioned? Is there sufficient trust that any agreement which could be developed might be found to have the durability to support peace?

It may seem that the situation is hopelessly complex. And truly it is complex. But it is not infinite. All conflicts can be resolved. We just have to name all of the aspects of the conflict, address each part of it, and fashion a resolution which creates what all of the parties need.