Compassion

Assuming that we each want to develop a greater and greater capacity for compassion, here is a map for the stages we move through as we grow our capacity for caring for and with others. As with any developmental map, it is important to remember that these are not discrete stages but snapshots along the way in a seamless flow. It is also important to remember that we tend to be at higher levels or stages on our best days, but when we are stressed physically or emotionally, we tend to regress to an earlier stage. Thus I am sometimes able to have empathy for what my spouse is experiencing at work, but other days I am going to insist on trying to fix it, or even, if I am really stressed, I may just say that don't want to hear about it.

Repulsion - (2>1)[1]: The other is different from me in a way that would be dangerous for me to understand or connect to. The other is a threat to me and I reject or avoid the other in order to protect myself and my point of view.

Pity - (2>3): The other is suffering in a way that I understand. I may have had similar experiences and I know what it is like to have that experience and I am glad it isn't happening to me now. I keep my distance in order to protect myself from having those feelings return.

Sympathy - (4>3): The other is suffering and I think I can be present to the other in a way that is designed to help the other through the suffering. I should help the other by showing the other what to do.

Empathy - (4>5): I cannot fully know the experience of the other but, to the degree to which I know my own experience, I can relate to the other's experience. I am not interested in telling the other how to be but only to be present to support the other.

Compassion - (6>5): From what I know of my own resourcefulness, I have a high confidence that the other has within the resources for the other's growth and healing. I want to be with the other in the other's process of healing knowing that to do so supports my own self-discovery and growth.

Deep Compassion - (6>7): I am more and more aware that the ways we are different are simply aspects of the accidents of our coming into the world--our race, our sex, our abilities and disabilities--and the ways in which we are the same are far more significant than the ways we are different. When others do not share this awareness I feel a deep sadness and wish to support the other's coming into an awareness that frees the other from the other's suffering.

Identity - (8>7): What appears as suffering is the longing of creation for wholeness. I am not other than a manifestation of the divine energy and intelligence that arises in all. Every face is my one true face.

It is instructive to note that there is a series of transformations which arise for us as we develop the skills of compassion.

· Not safe to safe: at first the other's distress is felt to be a threat to our own wellbeing but as we grow in this skill we find it safer and safer to be around those who are suffering. It is not that we are less affected by their suffering, but that we are more and more confident in our own ability to relate constructively and to remain centered.

· Don't understand to understand to affiliation to unity: a second more complex transformation is that we move from not understanding the other to a sense of understanding to actually feeling a sense of kinship with the other and finally to a place of understanding ourselves to be in solidarity with or unity with the other.

· Confidence that I know them to awareness that I do not: Still, though we have a greater sense of understanding the other we also go from certainty that we know what they are going through to recognizing the uniqueness of their experience and a curiosity about their experience and a respect for them as the sole interpreter of that experience.

· Trying to help them: doing for to being with - While we have a concern for the other's welfare we come to see that we are not taking care of them (which can feel oppressive to them), to caring for them by simply being present with them.

· Difference is a threat, is neutral, is informative, is vital (life giving): The fact that they or their experience is different from who we are or what we are experiencing or what we are making events mean transforms from being something we believe can harm us, to something which doesn't affect us, to something we might learn from, to something of great value to us.

· The other is dangerous, stupid, hurt, creative, beloved: Who the other is seen by us as being transforms from someone who presents a risk to us, to someone who is beneath us, to someone who has been harmed, to someone who has potential, to someone we deeply care about.

[1] The numbers in parentheses refer to the stages in the Orders of Self. At the odd numbered orders we are constructed by our perceptions; at the even numbered orders we are constructed by the choices we make. Thus our approach to others is an even numbered response to an odd numbered circumstance. From the state of mind that is 4° [Interpersonal-relational: choice], for example, looking toward 3° [Interpersonal-relational: perception] results in a slightly different perspective and thus behavior than when looking toward 5° [Intrapersonal-internal: perception]. The numbers in parentheses identify this perspective as a result of the locus of identity > and the focus of attention.