Assertiveness: Event, Effect, Need

Getting clear about what happened can actually be pretty difficult. Not only weren't we paying enough attention, but some of the relevant events happened out of our sight. The largest part of the problem, however, is that we have trouble seeing the distinction between what actually happened and what it means to us that it happened. We have to find an agreement about what happened. If we don't start from the same beginning point in our effort to resolve the conflict we never come to resolution.

Sometimes the best we can do is to agree that we don't agree. Then the issue we are attempting to resolve is that we aren't able to agree on what happened. This is not just agreeing to disagree. This is agreeing that we are not able to agree. The question then arises, would we like to agree? Sometimes we find others are actually invested in not finding agreement. So then the starting point is, "When we can't agree on whether to seek agreement."

Whatever the starting place, the next step is to gain clarity about how we are affected by the event we are responding to. We know we didn't like it. If we liked it, it would not have caused esuba and we would not have recognized it as a conflict. But what, specifically, was the effect on us?

Knowing how we are affected begins to give us some very important clues about what it is we need. There are qualities we need which this event either demonstrated are absent from the relationship or which removed from the relationship. In order to know what they are, we have to pay attention to how we are affected. What sensations, emotions, thoughts and wishes came up for us as the event unfolded? What were we reminded of and what patterns in our past does this event connect us with?

And then how does this effect lead us to greater clarity about what we need. Not what we want... we want others to be as we want them to be. But what do we need? What are the qualities which would be optimal for us in the context of this relationship?

Event: If we are assertive, we become clear about just what it is that is happening which is a problem for us and name what is happening in such a way that others can see what we are talking about and be supported in seeing how it is a problem for us.

Effect: If we are assertive, we become clear about the effect that this event -or pattern of events--has on us and fully appreciate how and why we are so affected.

Need: If we are assertive, we become clear about the qualities which are missing from the relationship when events like this happen and we name the qualities we need.