Assertiveness: responsibility and control

Whenever a conflict arises we respond to it out of our sense of responsibility and our need for control. The trip Joe took to the store for milk and lettuce showed that he was both responsible and in control. Some events are more complicated, however.

When Jack was in the third grade he brought home a note from his teacher that he hadn't been handing in his homework. Jane decided that she would make sure that he got his homework done and handed in. Jack didn't like this. He wanted his mom to just leave him alone and let him take care of it. But Jane decided that she was responsible for Jack's homework and would exercise control over him and the homework to ensure that it made it to the teacher.

In this circumstance Jane is framing her response to a conflict--she wants Jack to be someone who hands in his homework--by a set of decisions about her responsibility and her need for control. She could say, "this is between him and his teacher. If is teacher can't get him to do his homework this is on her." Jane could deny her responsibility. Or she could say, "that homework is going to get done if I have to do it myself." She could take on responsibility for things she is not responsible for.

Consider, then, that there is a continuum of responsibility from denial (I have no responsibility) to over-functioning or worry (I have to get everything done). The trick here is for Jane to figure out what she is responsible for and what she is not. There is a mid-point on this continuum where we are fully responsible for those things which are ours but we are not responsible for those which are not ours. If Jane says this is between Jack and his teacher she is denying her responsibility as his mother. But if she does his homework for him, she over-functioning and taking on responsibilities which are not hers (and, of course, not really helping Jack get what he needs).

This is such a common and problematic issue for so many of us that it has made very popular the Serenity Prayer. I have mentioned this earlier but let me repeat it here;

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Jane can recognize that she can't make Jack want to do his homework and she shouldn't do it for him.

The courage to change the things I can,

But she can make sure that he knows what is expected of him, has a place to work with good light and few distractions.

and the wisdom to know the difference.

And then let him do his work and ask for help if he needs it.

In a similar manner Jane has choices to make about whether and what she will try to control. She can listen to Jack's complaints about having to do his homework and decide that if he wants her to leave him alone about this, she will comply with his wishes. She will be who he wants her to be. Or she may decide that he isn't going to get off that chair at the dining room table until all of his homework is finished. She can insist that he is going to be who she demands that he be. She can be aggressive toward him.

Assertiveness: What It Is Not...

So we have two continua, responsibility and control, and we have two ends to each of them. The place we have the greatest power to affect a resolution to the conflict is at the mid-point of each of these lines. The extremities of each line move to a less and less powerful position.

If we decide that we are not responsible, we are in denial. We all have the power to make choices which affect outcomes. But if I say I am not responsible, I am not response-able. I claim a perspective which makes my own choices irrelevant. This is a cognitive distortion--a map which doesn't fit the territory--and a stance which does not support us getting what we need.

If we decide we are responsible for choices we didn't make and outcomes we can't create, we become overwhelmed with worry and anxiety and we are powerless to create the outcomes which are open to us. This is also a cognitive distortion which hobbles our capacity to create what we need.

If we decide to control the situation by controlling the other, we become aggressive. We make others be who we want them to be, or we at least try. We may even succeed in getting them for the moment to act as we want them to act, but they will revert to their more usual way of being as soon as our backs are turned. We can't actually get others to be who we want them to be. We can't change others.

If we decide to be whoever others want us to be, we conform, we immediately reduce tension in the relationship and appear to resolve the conflict. In fact, we have simply eaten the conflict and have now taken it within ourselves. The conflict is no longer between ourselves and the other who wants us to be different. Now it is between who we authentically are and who we are pretending to be to placate the other. We have created the appearance of harmony at the expense of our integrity by becoming compliant.

So it is the mid-point of the continuum of responsibility and the continuum of control which holds the greatest power. That is the stance we call assertiveness. We can use this model to help us identify when we are not being assertive.

If I find myself saying, "There is nothing I can do about this," I am not being assertive.

If I find myself saying, "Well, this really isn't my job, but I'll take it on anyway," then I am not being assertive.

If I find myself saying, "You are going to do it my way or else," I may have a brief rush of feeling powerful, but I am not going to create what I need and I am being aggressive. I am not being assertive.

Iif I find myself saying, "Whatever, I don't care, I will just be the way others want me to be," I am abandoning my own integrity and my own welfare and I am not being assertive.

We want to address the conflicts which arise in a manner which gives us the greatest possible power to create what we need. This is what we mean by being assertive. But there are a great many ways we can react which get us the opposite of what we need. This is not being assertive. It is very helpful then to notice how we are reacting and shift to a more satisfying way of being.

As we look for the patterns in our own behavior, we discover that we tend to react to the same or similar circumstances in the same ways over and over again. Some of us tend to deny our responsibility and some tend to take on too much responsibility. Some people tend to try to bully others and some are easily compliant.

Consider for a moment what you notice about your own behavior. Do you tend to hear yourself saying to yourself that you are powerless, that you are not response-able? Do you tend to go along with what others want and don't speak up for yourself? We tend to adopt a set stance in a given relationship but we may be very different in different relationships. We may be very compliant at work and then get home and dominate our children.

Using the chart, see if you can identify which quadrant you typically find yourself in. Are you an aggressive denier... or perhaps a compliant over-functioner? One common relationship between someone who is chemically dependant and someone who is codependent with them is just such a relationship. The disease of chemical dependency tends to breed a stance in which one denies responsibility for what is happening and insists that others be as they want them to be. Co-dependents, on the other hand, tend to comply with the demands of the chemically dependent and do whatever they can to clean up the mess the addict has made.

People who have adopted a life-stance as a victim tend to be compliant and to deny responsibility. Those who see themselves as tough tend to be over-functioning and willing to be aggressive to get things done.

Often people in a relationship with each other tend toward opposing quadrants in the chart. This is much like two people in a canoe where, when one leans left, the other leans rights just to keep the balance. This leads the first person to lean further left and pretty soon they are each stretched out over the water in a very unstable canoe. It is hard to move towards the middle because that seems to cause the canoe to tip.