Abuse: what allows for it? Opportunity, Permission, and Motivation

If we are to change our relationships such that abuse is less likely, we have to identify the characteristics of a relationship which allow for abuse. What must be present for abuse to occur?

In some ways perpetrating abuse is a bit like starting a fire. There are three essential elements which all have to be present for the phenomenon to arise. If we are going to start a fire we need to have fuel, air, and heat. We have to have something to burn, the oxygen to support combustion, and the energy to kick off the chemical reaction that is fire. If we have fuel, oxygen, and heat, we have a fire.

If we want to put out a fire we need only take away one of these three. Without all three, the fire stops. We intervene with fires in different ways depending on the nature of the fire. If we are around the campfire and a spark sets someone's clothes on fire, we can roll them on the ground to smother the fire. This takes the oxygen away. If we are leaving the campfire we are sure to put it out by pouring water on it. The evaporation of the water removes the heat and makes the wood too cold to burn. But, when I am finished cooking on the gas range, I don't put the fire out by trying to smother it or pouring water on it. I just turn off the gas. I take away the fuel.

So if we have all three elements we have a fire, and we can put out a fire by taking away any one of the three, and which method of fire suppression we choose will be determined by the kind of fire we are addressing. It is just so with abuse.

For me to perpetrate abuse on another I need the opportunity to abuse them, permission to act as I do, and a sense that this will get me what I need. Without all three, there is no abuse. And I can stop abuse by taking away any one of the three.

Let us recall our scenario at the beginning of this chapter in which Joe is interacting with a three year old Jack over Jack's wish to climb into his daddy's lap and show him what he has made. A frustrated and tired Joe sends Jack to him room for fifteen minutes.

Is this abuse? Is Joe exercising power over Jack? Is this something which is designed to meet Joe's needs? Is it harmful to Jack?

However much we may identify with Joe and understand his choices, this is not the sort of behavior which builds a healthy relationship between father and son, or, for that matter, get either what they really need. This is not to say that Joe has to be available to Jack at all times. But when Joe can't be there for Jack, he can send himself to his room until he can be more present.

The choice Joe makes harms Jack in that it confuses him about his relationship with his dad. Jack's needs for attention and approval are things which have been met previously in his relationship with his dad. Suddenly they are not forthcoming. He knows he is being punished but he can't figure out what he did wrong--what he did to make his dad treat him differently.

Opportunity

In order to abuse someone we need the opportunity to do so. Opportunity to abuse is comprised of both power over the other and proximity to them. When Jack came into the living room where his dad was reading the paper he created the proximity which allowed him to be abused. This is not the same as saying that he is responsible for the abuse; his choices, however, created a context in which the abuse could occur.

When we are in chronically abusive relationships we can seek to end the abuse by removing proximity and power over. We can remove proximity by getting away from people who treat us badly. But how might we take away power over?

The only proposal I am aware of which would address ending abuse by taking away power over is the notion that everyone carry a concealed firearm and be trained and ready to use it. The premise is that, if everyone has lethal power in relationship to everyone else, that is, all have the ultimate power, then no one could have power over another. While I understand the logic of this position it only works in a society in which everyone knows that everyone else is willing to blow others away. I am certain I would not want to live in such a society.

So we are left with removing proximity. There are many ways we can do this. We create prisons for people who can't seem to stop knocking off liquor stores and shelters for women who are battered by their partners. Prisons and shelters are ways of ending abuse by removing proximity.

The primary advantage of ending abuse by removing proximity is that it is quick and certain. The primary disadvantage is that it is really expensive. It is financially very costly to keep people in prison. Not only are those who are incarcerated no longer supporting the economy, they are sucking huge sums out of the collective coffers to keep them housed and us safe.

Divorces remove proximity but it is really expensive to get a divorce. Not only do we have to pay the attorneys, we have to divide the assets, pay for two homes, and lose some tax advantages. Even more, divorces are emotionally expensive for everyone.

We can end abuse by removing proximity but, as much as possible, we want to have that as a last resort or a short term option until we can find something better. We can end abuse by not being around those who treat us badly, or we can isolate ourselves from those we are prone to abuse, but as this solution is so expensive, we need some other ways to end abuse as well.

Permission

In order to abuse someone we need permission to do so. When Joe sent Jack to his room for trying to show him what he had made, Joe felt as though he was fully within his rights as a parent. "Children should do what their parents tell them to do," he thought. "Besides, I am tired and crabby."

In fact, we do not have permission to abuse each other. In order to give ourselves permission we have to get altered in some way. There are two broad ways that we do this. One is that we can alter our mood, and the other is that we can alter our thinking.

Altered mood

We alter our mood in many ways. We can engage in any number of 2° behaviors which are designed to change our experience. If we are tired we can rest. If we are lonely we can seek company. If we are anxious we can get drunk. If we feel aimless we can smoke crack. If we feel poor we can go shopping. These choices alter our mood but not the reality which causes those feelings to arise for us.

It is common for people who are normally considerate of others to become abusive when they are drunk or otherwise acting out. The alteration of mood gives some people permission to say or do things they would not otherwise be likely to say or do.

Altered thinking

Similarly, we can alter our thinking in ways which give us permission to abuse with a cognitive distortion. In Joe's case we can find a couple of them. Most apparent is the notion that he has a right to send Jack to his room because "children should do what their parents tell them to do."

He may also remember that he failed to send Jack to his room for riding in the street. Having failed to follow through then he may think, "Jack should be taught a lesson for interrupting adults when they are reading."

Of course, this is not consciously available to Joe. If he really thinks about it, he can easily see that this is a very different context. In the first instance Jack was told about the forbidden behavior and what the consequences would be if he transgressed. In this instance Jack doesn't know what he has done wrong and the consequences were unexpected. But Joe may decide that he has a right, and perhaps even an obligation, to act this way toward Jack.

Permission is slippery. It can be very hard to see when we are giving ourselves permission to abuse others. It is important that we do everything we can to address the circumstances which allow for abuse, but it is hard to remove something we can't see.

There are certain circumstances in which we are more likely to give ourselves permission to abuse others. While some of these are unique to each of us, one very common circumstance we all experience as an invitation to abuse others is when we are ourselves feeling abused. When we have had a bad day at work we are much more likely to kick the dog as we come in the front door. If we want to avoid abusing others, we can pay close attention to when we are feeling abused.

As hard as it is to see when we are giving ourselves permission to abuse others, it is often even more difficult to see when we give others permission to abuse us. We often minimize the harm that we experience from the choices of others and make excuses for how they treat us. There are many ways we do this. Al-Anon groups help those who are "co-dependant" come to see how they have been colluding with the harmful behavior of their loved ones in ways which are not only harmful to themselves but ultimately delay the recovery of those whose behavior they are enabling.

Motivation

In order to abuse someone we have to believe the action we are taking is in some sense getting us what we need. When Joe orders Jack to his room he is constructing a context in which he is getting peace and quiet and the capacity to focus more fully on the newspaper. If the only needs Joe has are those which are met for him in the context of his relationship with the newspaper, then this might work. But it is not that simple. There are also needs which Joe has in his relationship with his son, and with his wife, and even with himself. Jane is not likely to approve of this choice and, ultimately, Joe isn't going to feel too good about it either.

More than simply getting peace and quiet, Joe probably needs a sense of having control over his own life. He wants to know that he matters and that he is competent to make a world in which his needs are met. Instead of getting a sense of mastery, however, he discovers he can bully his three year old son.

Abuse doesn't work. It doesn't get us what we need. However much it may appear to work in the short run, it doesn't actually construct the qualities we need in the long run.

If we are looking to end abuse, we can take away opportunity by removing proximity, but this solution is costly. We can remove permission by setting up clear rules, but applying the rules can be confusing. Or we can act in ways which actually construct what we need. This is not expensive; indeed, it pays big dividends. It is not slippery; indeed, it is by knowing what we need that our lives begin to get real traction. It is very hard to do only because it requires a depth of self-knowledge to discover what it is we actually need and distinguish it from what we want.

Because this is so hard to do, it is work we generally leave undone unless we are highly motivated to get to the bottom of the problem. We won't generally move above the cultural center of gravity and explore our interior awareness about those circumstances in which abuse occurs unless we have a lot to gain by doing so, or a lot to lose by failing to do so.

When we are the ones who are being hurt by the abuse, we have greater motivation to address the situation than when we are the perpetrators of abuse. This doesn't mean that perpetrators don't have something to gain by discovering their true needs, but simply that they are much less likely see the need to do the work. It typically falls to the victims of abuse to initiate the process of discovery.

Even so it can be hard for us as victims to see ourselves as being harmed by the choices of others. In many cases, these are simply the choices we have come to expect from others. This may be normal within our expectations. We may have a map that predicts this treatment.

As long as the only map we have is one that normalizes our experience, we tolerate it for a very long time. It is only when we get a glimpse of someone else's map, a map which suggests that another reality is possible, that we begin to see the injustice of what we are experiencing.

Thus, being in a community with others who are committed to ending the abuse in our lives becomes crucial for our growing capacity to transform our own lives. This is not work we can do easily or well if we do it in isolation from others. When we are connected to a community of recovery and restoration, we support the healing of ourselves and others.

In the context of a community of mutual support we become aware of the patterns of abuse which are present in everyone's life. These patterns reflect an undercurrent of abuse which we come to see as oppressive.