3 A's: Awareness, Acting in our own behalf, Accountability

The culture around us has an immense power to shape our expectations of ourselves, of others, and of the appropriate nature of relationships. Though the power of culture is largely positive, when cultural values promote behavior that is contrary to our own best interest, it can be extremely difficult to surmount.

While there may be many ways that our culture tells us how to be which aren't really in our best interest, there are three particularly problematic lessons we all get every day.

• Don't let it bother you.
• Don't be so selfish.
• Don't admit it when you mess up.

Each of these common messages contains a kernel of wisdom. Getting worked up about everything that happens is tiring and tiresome. Only being concerned for your personal interests denies your connection to others. Taking on responsibility for everything that happens is unrealistic and harmful to one's own self-esteem. But when we only see from this perspective, we end up sabotaging our relationships and ourselves.

Awareness

We begin with the question of whether we pay attention and, if so, to what. We are told to pay attention at least as much as we are told not to let it bother us. We should "pay attention to what we are doing" if, by so doing, we are less likely to bother someone else. But if someone else does something that bothers us, we should "not let it bother us."

The position of Creative Conflict Resolution is simple... notice everything. Notice what pleases you, notice what bothers you, and notice what you do that pleases or bothers someone else. This is all important data. Don't let it slip away unnoticed.

The power of our culture to induce us not to pay attention is so incredibly great, especially when the short term benefits of not knowing are so high, that if we are to genuinely make changes which will improve the quality of our relationships, we are going to have to be very intentional. Just as we have to get into training if we are going to meet athletic goals, so will we have to engage in a conscious discipline if we are going to meet relationship goals.

Acting in our own behalf

We are told not to be selfish. Some of us are labeled as part of the "Me" generation that is all about itself and that is a bad and self-centered thing. We should put others first. We especially hear this from the others who want us to put them first. We are told by people close to us who are not getting the attention they want, "This isn't all about you!" By implication, it is all about them.

The position of Creative Conflict Resolution is that we have an equal responsibility for the welfare of all, but we don't have an equal ability to act on behalf of all. The bulk of our effort should go where we can do the greatest good. The person whose needs I can best understand and am in the best position to address positively is myself. I will not be much good to others if I am not getting what I need. So we must act in our own behalf without it being at the expense of others.

Thus, our first responsibility is to take care of ourselves. This comes across to many as profoundly self centered, so I want to offer a distinction between being self-centered and being centered in your self.

Let's try another thought problem:

Think back into your past relationships and just see if you can remember a time when someone accused you of being self-centered. Most of us have had this happen to us at one time or another.

Now, consider how it felt to you to hear this accusation. You most probably didn't like it, but did it seem just, did it fit for you, or was it wholly untrue and wrong?

Most people respond to this thought problem with a mix of observations. There are ways in which the accusation fit--I do sometimes think of myself without considering others--and ways in which it does not fit--I am very considerate of others.

We all have times of being so consumed with our own interests that we cannot make room in our awareness for the needs of others. Hopefully these times are rare, but they are most likely to arise when we are under the greatest stress. When we are well satisfied in ourselves, we have the emotional space to open up to consider others. For us to care for others, we must have our own wellbeing sufficiently addressed that we have room in our awareness for the needs of others.

On the other hand, sometimes we do such a poor job caring for ourselves we become so out of touch with our own wellbeing that we don't know what we need. We might insist we have no needs, but the truth is only that we don't know what they are.

It may be that our needs are not being met at all and, therefore, we are so stressed and disoriented that we aren't of any use to anyone, including ourselves. Or it may be that we are getting our needs met because others are taking care of us. If we are getting our needs met at the expense of others then we are needy and others may see us as self-centered precisely because we are not adequately caring for ourselves.

If we are genuinely committed to our own welfare, pay keen attention to what we need, and act immediately to generate what we need without trying to get it from others--then we are not needy, are centered in ourselves, and act on behalf of others.

The antidote for being self-centered is to be centered in your self.

Whenever we fly on a commercial airline, while the plane is taxiing out, the flight attendant recites a statement about safety concerns that are mandated by the FAA. "Here are the wing exits, this is how the seat belt works, you can use your seat cushion for flotation." Then, near the end of the speech the flight attendant will say something like, "In the unlikely event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, a mask will fall in front of you. Extend it to its full length, place it over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. If you are traveling with small children..." What do they say? Do they say a) make sure to get the mask on the child first, or b) put your own mask on first?

Time's up. The answer is b) put your own mask on first. And why would that be? Because if you are responsible for the child and you don't have sufficient oxygen, you won't be making clear and calm decisions. If you are struggling with a terrified child to get the mask on the child then neither of you is going to get what you need. But the FAA knows that most people will try to care for the children first, so they go to the trouble to remind us every time we fly; take care of ourselves first.

Anyone who has ever taken any sort of martial arts or self defense class knows that the first lesson is not a move but a stance. The first thing we learn is how to be centered; how to find our tan dien. When you are centered no one can throw you. When you are off center, you can easily be toppled.

Creative Conflict Resolution is a martial art for relationships. We don't know what sort of challenges the relationship will throw at us, but we want to respond from a place that is strong and centered and from which we can take care of ourselves without harming others.

Accountability

One of the characters who appears from time to time in the comic The Family Circle is Not Me. In the comic Not Me looks a bit like a ghost but is the spirit which appears whenever the children are asked by a parent who it was that did a particular deed like breaking a lamp or scribbling on the wall. "Not me," they say together. We know at an early age to try to minimize our responsibility by making excuses for ourselves or to somehow shift it off onto someone else.

The position of Creative Conflict Resolution is that the best way to build healthy relationships is by claiming a stance of full accountability. We must notice how we affect others and how others affect us.

One can hardly open the newspaper without reading another story about how some corporation or politician has denied responsibility for something. It seems that the nature of public life is, for many, about shifting the blame. Ford blames Firestone; Enron blames Arthur Anderson; George W. Bush can't find anyone who leaked the news about Valerie Plame; Bill Clinton wonders what the meaning of the word "is" is.

Still there are dramatic examples of public accountability.

• Someone dies from tainted Tylenol and Johnson and Johnson not only pulls the entire product line off the market, it invents tamper-proof packaging thus changing the industry.
• A submarine surfaces off the coast of Hawaii and scuttles a Japanese fishing boat with a crew of trainees. At the court of inquiry the captain of the submarine, Commander James Waddle, faces the families of those who were lost and declares that, even though his decisions were not the only ones which constructed the disaster, as the captain, he is accountable.
• A boy in the custody of the Department of Social Services of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is killed as a result of the apparent negligence of his foster parent. The Director of the Department goes to the funeral for the boy and affirms responsibility for the death and commits to a full inquiry.

These are not the ways we normally do things, but this is what we do when we are committed to building healthy relationships. The notion of what we might mean by accountability and what it might take to create it are topics we will return to once we have a few more concepts in place. For the moment, though, I will assert that our culture supports efforts to limit liability not simply to keep others from harm, but to avoid getting into trouble when harm finds them. Everyone in the corporate hierarchy knows that C.Y.A. stands for "cover your ass."

From the perspective of Creative Conflict Resolution, accountability is a prerequisite for creating the durable agreements that construct healthy relationships. We have to take into account not only how our choices affect others; but also how others' choices affect us.