Using Discipline #5 - A tool for which part?

What we typically do then is to try to summon enough "will power" to make ourselves do what we resist doing, or to stop ourselves from being so "impulsive." This sometimes works, but typically it is not effective for the biggest issues in our lives. So let's look more closely at how we might map this out with the use of a Fifth Order perspective of Self.

One part of me is the part which observes the behavior which it labels as impulsive and harmful and it resolves to try to stop that behavior. This part is a manager which is trying to do what it believes is in my best interest. This part will notice when I am about to eat something which is not nutritious or at a time when I am already well fed. It will see me reaching for a cigarette or criticizing myself. It will wonder about my bank balance and resolve to check it. This is a part that easily comes into my conscious awareness.

But there is another part of me which is eating junk food when I am already full, lighting cigarettes, belittling me, or "forgetting" to check my bank balance. This aspect of my interior being is much harder to find. But at least I know where to find it. It will show up when I am around food, cigarettes, mistakes, and whenever I resolve to call the bank. So I can wait to ambush it.

But even if I can get hold of that part...what do I do with it? I had a client many years ago who told a whole series of sayings about relating to pigs. One I remember well was, "Never try to wrestle with a pig. You will both get dirty...and the pig will enjoy it." I have come to think of the activity of finding the impulsive part and wrestling it into submission as a kind of pig wrestling. I may be able to dominate the pig in the short run, but it will come to the fore sooner or later. These impulsive parts can paradoxically be very patient.

But there is another part, a third part of us, which is often very subtle, almost as though it were hiding in the shadows, which plays an important role in this internal drama. It is the part which gives permission and encouragement to the impulsive part.

As we get more and more parts into play here it will help to give them names so we can keep straight which one we are talking about. It is always a bit problematic to name parts which are conflicted because the names they give themselves are often very different from the names the other parts give them. So let's try to not be too distracted by the names I will give them. I will refer to the part which sees the behavior as harmful and tries to alter it as the Manager. And I will refer to the impulsive part as the Pig. And the one who gives encouragement and permission to the Pig as the Coach.

When we first get a sense of the Coach it may appear to just be an aspect of the Pig itself, but as we watch for it we generally discover that the Pig is just an appetite of some kind, not generally very mature, but the Coach can be quite alert and even compassionate. It may say, "Wow, you are really stressed! You should take care of yourself. How about a cigarette?" Or it may say, "If you check your bank balance you are just going to get alarmed and it isn't like there is anything you can do about it. Just forget it."

The Coach is aware of things we need which are not so immediately apparent. If we could be more conscious of those needs we could then find ways to act to meet those needs in a more robust way. Cigarettes may ease the symptoms of the stress, but if we knew what was causing the stress, and put the energy into addressing the stressors, then we wouldn't feel the need to smoke. So we would do well to be able to hear from the Coach about what the Coach knows about our more subtle needs.

But the Coach stays in the shadows. The Coach is not likely to just come forward and tell all. The Coach has seen the way Manager relates to Pig and, while Pig is resilient and even enjoys a good fight, the Coach doesn't want to be vulnerable to getting pummeled by the Manager. Coach would have to know that Manager was genuinely curious about what Coach knows and would respect that Coach is also trying to act in a manner that is best for the whole system.

But to Manager, Coach is a shadowy figure that is inciting harmful behavior. Coach is responsible for great harm and must be rooted out and exiled from the system. Manager isn't likely to sit down for tea with Coach. Manager will have to become able to see that Coach is actually a potential ally and that, if they can learn to work together, they can both promote the wellbeing of the whole internal system.

So Manager is trying to stop Pig from digging up the vegetable garden and sees Coach as opening the gate. Coach sees Manager as trying to starve Pig and is just trying to get Pig what it needs. The wellbeing of the whole garden will depend on Manager and Coach working together to protect the plants while keeping Pig fed. Who can help Manager and Coach learn to work together? That would be the Self at Sixth Order.

The Sixth Order Self is able to step back from all of the parts and observe them as equal partners in constructing our awareness and our capacities to respond to various circumstances. Indeed, it is this stepping back and observing which constructs the Sixth Order awareness. And it is from this perspective that the healing can occur.

So when we use Discipline #5 to address our needs for Self-Care, it is essential that we let the Sixth Order Self hold the tool and not let the Manager have control of it. Manager will be tempted to use it to put a harness on Pig and drive Coach further into the shadows. But Self will use it to acknowledge Manager and appreciate Manager's wisdom and care for the system, will observe Pig's appetites and be curious with Coach about what it is that Coach sees as the deeper needs which must be addressed to find a fuller sense of wellbeing.